Diary of an Egotist

Film: Avengers Assemble spoilers galore

Ashling Cranford — Tue, 08 May 2012 17:07:55 +0000

Excuse me while I fangirl over the Avengers Assemble. I saw it, again, last night. My third time, I cry when I think how far away the DVD release date is. (Alright, I over reacted when I said “I cry”. I didn’t actually, nor am I likely to cry, but you get the message.)
I can’t get over how much I loved it. And how much I still laugh when I know the gags are coming. They are gags I won’t forget either because they have now entered my daily vocab. “This line in the post office is for stamps and letters, not for your children’s allowance money, you mewling quim!” “I’ll go all Hulk on your Loki ass if you annoy me much longer!”

I was trying to name my top five moments. I don’t think it’s possible. I’ll try split it up into different topics though.

Best Entrance

Thor by far got the best entrance. I mean, Loki’s was good. (And you know how particle to a bit of Loki I am. *Can you say “fucking ride?”*) but Thor’s was brilliant. And probably the part most waited for.
Not that you think “when is Thor gonna get here” during the start of the movie. It’s more a thought beforehand. A loud ‘We Want Thor’ shout at the back of your head (in your ear because your best friend thinks Thor is the greatest.)
It was added goodness that Loki seemed to fear it, and I love those lines: Cap: Don’t tell me you’re afraid of a bit of lighten. Loki: I’m not overly fond of what comes next.
The look on Loki’s face – superb!

Best Line

Come on? How can you possible decide? It was jam packed! When you think each Avenger has an awesome line – Thor: He’s adopted. – Tony Stark swaggers into the room and becomes THE MAN! There is too many to choose from but I think I’ll have to go with the lines he speaks to Thor when they first meet. Thor: You don’t know who you’re dealing with. Iron Man: Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you wearst her drapes?
Oh I LOL’ed. I seriously fucking LOL’ed my ass off!

In second comes Thor’s adopted line for sheer brilliance of delivery. I really want to give it number one spot, but with so much sark from Stark, Iron Man just has to claim top billing.

Third comes from my darling Loki. Thor: You listen to me, brother. [Iron man comes and knocks him flying. Loki stands on the mountain alone still staring at the spot Thor used to be] I’m listening.
*snort*

Best Character

Hard. To. Choose. I love them all. OK, I can give or take Black Widow and Hawkeye even though they are brilliant. (I now have extra respect for Scarlet Johansson. Her moves where unbelievable. That’s a proper role model for females. I loved how she played Loki, and her mad run for her life from the Hulk was ace!) But lets face it, it’s the “superheros” you come to see in these movies. It’s all well and good being super assassins, but I love me some super powers. I’ve always leaned more towards the unnatural rather than the highly skilled heroes.
I have never rooted for a villain as much since Magneto. I love Loki. I live Loki. I was most excited about this movie because of Loki. I just fucking adored him in Thor. His character arc was brilliant. That scene between him and Odin on the steps of the vault. Brilliant. And one of my favourites from the whole movie.
But I can’t say he was my favourite character. Not because he was lack in any area. He was amazing. The sly, devious smirk. The underhand tactics. All fit and proper for the God of Mischief. But he misses the top spot because the Hulk comes along at the end and just steals the movie out from under everyone noses.
Not only did I go from “Oh my god, I can’t believe Norton isn’t the Hulk in this movie. He was deadly in the last one,” to “Norton who?” but I came out with a want to marry Rufflo. His whole stance was perfect. A real recovering addict vibe about him that I loved. He was a fab mild mannered, genius Bruce. And from the moment of the “That’s my secret, I’m always angry,” line his character made a great movie awesome!

Best Scene

Being the ex-film student (granted, I only studied it for two years, it doesn’t really give me any credit) I would love to pick out a beautifully crafted scene of cinematography, or something with multi-layers of symbolism to it, but fuck it! This is me, I don’t watch films for multi-layers, I watch for sheer entertainment and a lot of laughs. And this movie had plenty, but none made me laugh quite as much as the rag-doll Loki scene.
Comical. Pure fucking comical genius. I’ve heard it said that people have laughed more at this movie than they did at actual comedies and I completely agree. Not only did the audience roar uproariously, but everyone was clapping and whooping too. It was a gas scene!

To sum up, Avengers Assemble: It won’t win Oscars, thanks be to God, because less face it, if it did, it wouldn’t be the hilarious, action-packed movie we all wanted and waited on tender-hooks to see.

Breaking Dawn pt1: alt version

Ashling Cranford — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 19:18:15 +0000

This comes with a warning. My humour isn’t for everyone. Some may find this offensive. Some may find it not funny at all. Either way – I don’t care
If I were to write and direct Breaking Dawn part 1: this is what the jist of it would be…
The honeymoon happens.

Insert a proper sex scene. One perhaps with some doggy style for those fans that prefer bestiality over necrophilia.

The Hunger Games

Ashling Cranford — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 18:22:34 +0000

The Hunger Games. What to say, what to say? I enjoyed it. I really did. It got the heart pumping in the right places, a little tear too. But I’m not seeing it as my new fandom. It just didn’t appeal that much.

I will admit it, I suck at reading. I’ve books on my bookshelves that are over five, six or more years there and are still unread. Laser eye really set me back. An addiction to the Internet didn’t help either.
Many times I started books just before the movie has come out, Twilight springs to mind, I finished it in two days. The final day, that evening I had planned to go see it. It’s the only reason why. (So I guess that’s another reason to hate that dire piece of crap of a movie.)

The same can be said for THG. I only put aside my Agatha Christie’s and took out the first book in order to prepare for the film coming out in March. And to finally read the Empire and Total Film magazines when they’ve done features on the film. I wanted to remain as spoiler free as possible. I didn’t want to know who was cast as who. Granted it was hard not to know Jennifer Lawrence was cast as Katniss, and I was spoilt by seeing Woody Harrelson as Haymitch. I decided to read it now and get it done so I could read the mags without quickly covering the pages and saying “la la la I did not just see that. I did not just see that.”

I liked Katniss. I didn’t love her for some reason. I didn’t love anyone really. But I am all ooh Peeta, or Gale, or Peeta, or Gale, and so on and so on.
Despite Peeta being a doll and me wanting one. I felt Gale was the one for Katniss. Though I have the feeling it’ll be Peeta to win out in the end. But I’m not sure. Will have to see when I read the other two books.

And that’s the nail on the head. I can wait. I can easily wait until the next book’s adaptation is approaching before I feel the desire to pick it up. And it will be for the same ‘I want to read the film magazines’ reason more than a need to find out what happens to these characters.

I think perhaps it is the future, dystopia aspect of it. I am a history girl. It’s where my heart belongs. I am drawn and love stories set in the past more than I do in the future. In fact I’m trying to think of a book I love that is set in the future. I’m coming up empty.
Another thing is, perhaps it’s embarrassing, but I’m sure I’m in no way the only one who does this – I like to see myself in the story. Not as a character already in there. I don’t like that whole ‘ooh I do that too. That character is so like me’ crap. But just as myself, my own little traits and flaws. And I think my flaws would get be killed in the Hunger Games within the first two seconds. (Actually in know my flaws would. My gammy ankle and asthma would see to that.)
Where’s the fun and wishfullfillment in that?

edit: Lenny fucking Kravitz as Cinna? :0 I pictured Adam Lambert. Kravitz seems far too bulky for how I imagined Cinna. Blame Gok Won. I picture stylists skinny feckers.

Mon dieu!

Ashling Cranford — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 18:18:30 +0000

John Leguizamo has been commfirmed as Del-boy in the US version of Only Fools and Horses.

I can’t say I am happy. Fools and Horses has been a staple in my family’s television viewing for so long now, we quote it often, that I can’t see an American version being anywhere near as good. It’s just not American comedy. It’s pure British.

I know people say, well The Office and Shameless worked. That’s a matter of opinion. Yes, they worked by being in viewers, but do they compare to their British embryos? I don’t think so. The Office Britian, The Office America – two completely different shows, just based on the same idea. That’s what Only Fools and Horses will be.

Review: The Woman in Black

Ashling Cranford — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 18:14:26 +0000

Ok I promised to do this yesterday, but I got sidetracked. I wanted to do it as soon as possible in order to fully remember things. My head is like a sieve lately, so I hope I do remember things. There isn’t much I want to forget regarding this film. It was perfect in every sense. I wholeheartedly adored it. It was my kind of film!

First off: What I loved. Which in short was everything. But allow me to highlight a few things that really made me happy. The subtleties of the film making floored me! There is one instance of Arthur exploring the, now, unlocked room. With a candle held alloft he moves further into the child’s room. Reflected in the eyes of the creepy porcelain dolls and sinister looking clowns is the small dot of candle light. This gave the effect that the doll’s eyes where following Arthur. Superb!

The script. I love Jane Goldman. She did the book justice while keeping enough things new to please an audience and please us who have read the book. She is, in my honest opinion, one of the greatest screenwriters around right now, or ever.

Daniel Radcliffe. Ok I admit it. As he held the axe high, I did get the urge to shout “use your wand, Harry.” But other than that he was a brilliant Arthur. Mixture of concern, sadness, scared and hope all displayed wonderfully. The scares. They were brilliant. I didn’t feel they were over done. Nothing gory. Nothing explained away. This is what I love. They were, how can I explain? just . . . great. I loved each of them from the rocking chair to the gentle approach of the woman to the view glimpses we see of her. Perfect! SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS The woman in black herself. I fucking LOVE her. Fucking did! She was brilliantly done. When we see her in the graveyard. When we see her standing in the door way, or when her voice echoes through the corridor at the end that she’ll never forgive. Brilliant!

The ending. Major SPOILER. The ending – for those who read the book know, there is no true happy ending for Arthur. The woman in black gets her revenge even after Arthur thinks he is safely away and out of her reach. So I knew it was coming. I knew Sam was going to die. I resigned myself to that fact before watching the film. I know sometimes, to give the audience what they want an ending will be altered. And for a while, when I heard they were making this film I had a fleeting thought that might just happen. But all the reviews said the ending stayed with you long after you’ve left the cinema. So there went that little theory. So Arthur still loses his son. Yet I confess I love the ending. Sick Ashling? I don’t think so. I thought it was a beautiful ending.

What I didn’t like: the fact that the cinema left the god damn lights on. During a horror. They left the lights on. What fucking tools! I would have gone out to complain but I didn’t want to miss any of the film. It wasn’t the major lights. Just the four lights, two on either side of the room. So it wasn’t bright enough that you couldn’t make out the film, but it wasn’t dark enough you could get lost in a world of your own. Seriously. Fucked up! When we went in ten minutes before it started it was so pitch that we couldn’t find our correct seats. Then just before the trailers came on the lights came on. Thus ruining the trailer for The Avengers I was hoping they’ll show. Grrr! Fucking idiots.

Fassy is in the nip!

Ashling Cranford — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 16:00:48 +0000

:O *dies* I sounded like Fr. Dougal when I saw this, lol. “Those women were in the nip!”

By-miTtYqgI

Tired of these “celebs” and their overpaid ways

Ashling Cranford — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 16:47:27 +0000

Now, I rarely download. Barely ever in fact. And when I do it’s because it’s either a live bootleg of a concert that can’t be bought in CD form, or it’s something I already have a CD of – my hard drive is a temperamental little bitch and works only when she wants to. So say I want an album on my iPod now, and my hard drive won’t work. I’ll download said album and put it on my iPod. I see no harm in that, since I already purchased the CD, but I’m sure someone else would probably disagree with me though? I don’t download films – I despise watching stuff on my computer and rarely do it, even if it’s something I really want to see. I prefer to await the DVD/box-set. It’s also because I love having a hard copy of something. I love to see my DVD and CD collections grow. For a collector and a hoarder like myself, it’s one of our loves in life. But this all said, I felt slightly cheated the other day when Bruno Mars was cleared of cocaine possession. I had, only two weeks before, purchased his album. Then I find out that he had this coke possession case dismissed because he did some weeks in a drug education programme and some community service. So basically, I forked out twelve euro (that lets face it, I really could have used to put into savings for the new washer/dryer we need at home) of my meager wage for a guy who has so much money he can waste it by snorting it up his nose. I FEEL CHEATED! Yes, I know. I didn’t HAVE to buy music. Just like he doesn’t have to snort cocaine. But I see a major different between the two. And I’m getting very bleeding annoyed at these online ads that crap on about the evils of piracy. I no longer care anymore that the music industry is losing money, not when the money it does get goes up industry peoples nose, into their veins and into the back pockets of drug dealers.
I will never buy a Bruno Mars album again. I’ll download that shit from now on. If even that!

Will I ever learn?

Ashling Cranford — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:27:16 +0000

Ash has been bold. Yes she has. And no, it isn’t because she’s talking about herself in the third person again, it’s because she is supposed to be doing apps for university and edits for something else. She’s doing half that. I’m still working out my wording for my apps so Word is being used for that. So that’s doing. It’s the edits that aren’t being done. I was supposed to have them done and all by now. Oopsies.

See what happened there was this: I promised myself I’ll get them done and then treat myself by reading a book. My book of choice fell through – Trotsky by Robert Service turned out to be so full of bullshit, the “professional author” got Trotsky’s death date wrong. Fail of epic proportions, I hear no one but myself say. Very true. (thanks for the heads up, Syd) – so I settled on something a little different. Namely The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Ms Agatha Christie, which will quickly be followed by the first in the Hunger Games series. It’s been on my bookshelf for ages now, I thought it about time I see what the hype is all about.

But see, that’s where Ash has been naughty again. I finished Roger Ackroyd yesterday – sheer brilliant. I had some time to kill and thought ‘I’ll get two/three chapters read’, but I got so hooked I finished the whole thing. So now my edits are left because I’m reading again.

MUST NOT BEGIN HUNGRY GAMES. MUST DO EDITS AND FINISH APPS.

To, or not to?

Ashling Cranford — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 21:45:54 +0000

Atonement has just started. I want to watch it, but I don’t know if I can should. I don’t think I can handle the emotion. It’s so wonderful, but it breaks my bloody heart!

Movies of 2011

Ashling Cranford — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 20:29:06 +0000

Right so, I am just back from seeing Mission Impossible 4. (It was bloody brilliant! Go Team Tom! Funny in places and fantastic action. Top notch snizzle!) and I think it’s most likely the last movie I’ll see in the cinema in 2011, so I think it’s time to compile the list of what I saw in 2011. I have been comparing it to the list I made earlier this year, the three parter that listed all I wanted to see. Lots I didn’t get to see.

Kings Speech ***** Five Stars. Brilliant! Performances. Spot on. The story. Should have been boring but far from it. Loved this!

Thor ***** Five Stars. I fucking LOVED this!

Xmen: First Class ***** Five Stars. And this. I’ve mentioned before on here as to why so I won’t go into it again. But bring on The Avengers!!!!

Midnight in Paris ***** Five Stars. Strong contender for my favourite film of the year. In fact, I’m going to name it so. Fantastic!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: part two ***** Five Stars. Right, I know Potter isn’t the best movies out there, but this was so close to being brilliant. The sheer emotion of The Princes Tale. The end. *tear* This is five stars because I dressed up and did the midnight showing. It was deadly!

The Inbetweeners ***** Five Stars. Comical. It gets five stars for that dance sequence alone.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol **** Four Stars. I love Tom. I always have. I don’t think others do action quite like him, and he does it so damn well!

Cowboys and Aliens **** Four Stars. This got SAVAGED. I don’t understand why? It was great and had everything. Cowboys. Check. Aliens. Check. Harrison Ford. Check. Action. Check. Humour. Check. Great performances…how in hell did noone like it?

Rise of the Planet of the Apes **** Four Stars. I’m beginning to see a pattern here. I am loving the action movies this year. But this one is different. It had lots of heart and the action only really kicked in near the end, but it was ace.

Puss in Boots **** Four Stars. Better than the last two Shrek’s! Can’t wait for it on DVD. “Ooooooooooo”

Tinker Tailor Sailor Spy **** Four Stars. No fuck it, it gets five stars. It had nothing, NOTHING but fantastic acting and it kept me spellbound.

The Help **** Four Stars. I was not ready for the emotional punch this one gives. I did actually cry.

Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows **** Four Stars. I am debating whether to give this five stars because I enjoyed it so much. It was by far better the first one. More action. More humour. And it didn’t have the bogged down, jam everything in feel the first one had.

Bridesmaids**** Four Stars. This made me laugh. I didn’t have the highest of hopes for it because it looked like one of those gross out comedies that I’m not overly fond of, but I found it wasn’t.

Bad Teacher **** Four Stars. Pleasantly surprised by how I enjoyed this.

Hall Pass *** Three Stars. I think I need to see this again to judge it. I laughed lots at it. I wonder if it holds up the second time?

Unstoppable *** Three Stars. This was the first movie of 2011 and it was a good choice. Very exciting and fun to watch.

Black Swan *** Three Stars. I know I am perhaps in the minority but I don’t get the “fantastic” of this movie. I found it too cliched. The only thing that saved it for me was the performances.

Horrible Bosses *** Three Stars. Very humorous. Would have liked to see it again.

Captain America *** Three Stars. As Marvel movies go, it’s not the best one. But good enough.

Transformers 4 *** Three Stars. It may get an extra one. It was exciting, action packed, better than the second one because the visuals were better, but it still dragged on a little.

The Guard – *** Three Stars. As it began I thought I’d hate it, but this little gem of an Irish movie was great.

Johnny English – *** Three Stars.

Jane Eyre *** Three Stars. I give it three because I need to see it again. If, by going on my viewing of it in the cinema, it would get two. I don’t want to give it two because, visually it was splendid, but the leads just left me cold. I didn’t get the love. And I certainly didn’t get Michael Fassbender as Rochester. Very sad indeed.

Pirates of the Caribbean 4 – *** Three Stars. Better than the last two films in the franchise, but still lacking that magical sparkle what was the first one.

Paul *** Three Stars. Humorous but in no way up there with the best Frost/Pegg can offer us.

Your Highness – *** Three stars. Hilarious! In a weird ass way.

I am number 4 – *** Three Stars. This was a fun watch. The book isn’t that fantastic, nor is the movie, but it did have its moments and you did care about the characters.

Unknown *** Three Stars. It had its stupid moments but I enjoyed it.

What’s my number *** Three Stars. It was good. Similar to, but much better than Friends with Benefits. Some real funny bits saved it.

Hangover 2 ** Two Stars. I was close to giving this a three, but thinking about it, really, two is good enough for it. It didn’t hold up to its predecessor, despite being an near exact replica.

Chalet Girl ** Two Stars. My girlie crush and my man crush. It was what I expected: mediocre. But still I enjoyable. And Felicity Jones is only going to get better.

Fast and Furious 5 ** Two Stars. So bad, it didn’t even have enough of the fast cars that could have saved it. Instead it had bad acting, cheesy lines and worse action.

Morning Glory ** Two Stars. Oh Rachel McAdams. You can do so much better! You really can. You too Harrison Ford. It was just a little too boring.

My week with Marilyn ** Two Stars. Again, very boring. Everyone is shouting that Williams is a shoe in for an Oscar for this performance. I don’t agree. She was good as Marilyn, I give you, but I’ve seen her give much better performances.

Arthur * One Star. Oh Russell Brand. What the fuck?

Crazy Stupid Love * One Star. Boring. Boring. And did I mention boring?

The Green Hornet * One Star. Poor, very poor. Even by Seth Rogen standards.

Friends with Benefits * One Star. I cannot say how much this bored the arse off me because I am currently trying to repress the memory. So dull! Contender for the worst of the year.

39. And I think two seen twice. Not bad. Up on last years 36.